What is SPELT and where can I score some?//Meadow du Francais

I knew I couldn't trust those people at the French Meadow Bakery. The MN Daily had announced years ago that there was something suspcious
about a "French" cafe that prohibited smoking. And that was long before the city-wide smoking ban most recently implemented.
Now, I don't so much mind about the smoking ban, as I don't ...(smoke, for now). Still, in Philly, I used to enjoy the crowd smoking at tables and the clever pigeons who'd sneaked in from the platform to the food area of the 30th Street Train Station. It was something other than quaint; it was as if Philly was the last bastion of free public space in the US. Well, then some Amtrak policeman shot a homeless guy who picked up a chair and backed against a wall. Then they just had to crack down on the people who were hanging out at the station I walked through on my way to and from work. The number of smokers started to dissapate last year.
That said, I guess I'm over the "no Galloise" policy at the French Meadow. There's enough 'else-wise' to annoy me about that establishment.
Any time I'm just passing by the place I begin mumbling to myself a string of under-my-breath, cartoon-character-expletives: "Ratzen frazzen fricka smack-em, arrrgh, I'm a pirate! -and I hate those guys and their four dollars for a coffee!"
And then, the other day, TV trucks arrived in front to film something. Imagine how exciting: news on Lyndale. Something about the F-****' Meadow! Could it be a RAID, like the one they needed back when that drug front barely posing as Small Engine City and the Olypmia Gym (which actually was the front of a dealer's operation) were there?
No such luck. Just a little FDA action to impound 30,000 loaves of SPELT. My people call it 'bread'. ~(Land'o....)
Well, in truth, 's-p-e-l-t' it was. I figure most of us are about as familiar with the spelling as we are with the botanical taxonomical specification - or hagiography, for that matter, - of this grain.
So the Feds tell us spelt is a primitive form of wheat, and therefore "wheat-free" cannot be labelled on the bread like the way F-****' Meadow does it.
"They did that, f'real? Aww, pfssss, that is so ass! SHUT 'EM DOWN! They should pay squillions for such a heinous crime."
It should be obvious that I would be the last in line to stage a defense of the French Meadow, but in the war against false advertising, I'd be first up to beg the FDA to get a cause.

Who is this guy and who did he kill?

Check back for the full details!

Deliveries and Calumnies (annotated)

Having lived nearly 10 years on the east coast, I spent a lot of time defending the reputation of
the Twin Cities.
-"No, it's not really a backwater." (1)
-"They have skyscrapers and public (uhhm, cough) transportation and everything!"(2)
-"The Cities are teaming with theaters, museums, nightlife, and fine dining establishments."
-"Huge diverse neighborhoods spiral in every direction due to the great immigrant groups settling there."
-"Yes, Minnesota elected a former pro wrestler to the Govenor's seat, but the people are generally sophisticated." (3)
But now I have moved back to Minneapolis and I've begun to worry. Maybe I need to send postcard apologies to
all those I deceived about the "metropolitan" nature of MSP.
A first concern: where's all the restaurant delivery?
In Philly, New York, and Balitmore any self-respecting city dweller holds 15 - 20 take-out menus from neighborhood joints who'll dispatch a carrier by bike or car. Here, other than pizza and liquor store deliveries, I'd be hard pressed to think of any place whose people will show up at my door with a dinner order. Pizza and beer is only part of the food ziggurat (4) for me.
Is it the nature of the purveyors or have they already discovered that people here hold their pocketbooks too tightly, ergo no tips? Is it some nobly persistent Scando-germanic notion of stoicism that we scions of vikings must abide hunting and gathering, even if delivery is available? Or is it a fear that whatever might arrive at the door will resemble (in appearance and taste) some kind of glorified dog food reposited in Styrofoam?
Look, my old neighborhood allowed me opportunity to ring up for (in addition to bi bim bop, strombolis, hoagies, and a vindaloo) sandwiches from the Korean Kosher Deli.(5) Kimchi sides with pastrami on rye might not catch on in Minneapolis, but I bet they would if you could have someone bring it to your house.
Okay, this is not so much 'sqwout' as it is 'snaqwout,' but what exactly is "up" with delivery in Minneapolis/St. Paul?

Notes:1) "At least we're not a 'Backwater' like Minneapolis" was part of the obloquy in a CityPaper article attempting to
describe the music scene here!
2) The last few years I proudly suggested, "Yeah, they got trains and everything." Until,
I saw the "light-rail."
3) After Ventura was elected, most people stopped asking about milking cows and chewing on
hayseed. He gave MN a little notariety, though when speaking,
his accent did make us seem exotic, and not in a good way.
4) A terraced pyramid
5) The Kosher Deli sold to a Korean Family who augmented but didn't change the staples on the
menu.

original test

One line to see what this is all about.
Philly.